Why don't I listen?

Here’s a question to hurt your brain - and possibly your ego:

Why don’t I listen?

If you could not take that personally, then you could consider the following:

What would happen, or what would be available, if I did listen? What am I missing when I am not listening?

Of course, that leads to another question:

When don’t I listen? Are there specific situations in which I listen less (or worse) than others?

If you are beginning to consider that you don’t listen as well as you think you do - good news - you are not alone. Generally speaking, most people do not listen as well as they think they do, and when tested, often score as poor listeners. 

We don’t spend much time thinking about our listening. I just spent the last few days driving 1,400 miles with my wife. There were many times I was not really listening. And, fortunately, there were a few times that I was! 

I was listening most when I was not distracted, and when we were looking eye to eye, being vulnerable and authentic, discussing what’s most important to us.

There were other times, especially while driving, that one of us was on our phone or being busy with something else, while the other one began talking. Not great listening was happening.

But even if we were not distracted, sometimes we were not listening. We were waiting for the other person to finish talking so we could get our point across. Or, we heard what they had to say, but we were waiting to respond with our own point of view.

In other words, empathic listening wasn’t happening often. My wife and I care for each other very much; we absolutely want what’s best for one another. We were not arguing or quibbling, nor were we upset with each other. We had a great few days.

My point is that we are often not paying attention to our listening, and yet listening is so important to the quality of our relationships. 

An authentic relationship must have a foundation of trust. Trust is present when people feel safe to be vulnerable. People feel safe when they can communicate authentically, and they know that the person they are speaking with is listening with love, care, and concern. 

Not to use it against them. Not to prove a point. Not to trick or manipulate them.

Great listening is what allows another person to communicate what’s most important to them. Specifically, I am talking about empathic listening.

There seems to be evidence that empathic listening is unusual behavior - it is not our default. Research shows it has to be taught and practiced over time to change people’s actual listening habits.

Empathic listening as a named concept grew out of mid‑20th‑century humanistic psychotherapy and is most closely associated with the work of psychologist Carl Rogers and his collaborators. Over the following decades, empathy was taken up in psychology, medicine, and counseling as a way to describe entering another person’s inner world to understand their experience.

Empathic listening sits at the intersection of two historical threads: the emergence of “empathy” as a psychological term and the development of client‑centered therapy.

By the mid‑20th century, these ideas converged with new therapeutic approaches that emphasized the client’s subjective experience and the healing power of genuine understanding.

Virtue #1 of Being a Professional Worth Hiring is Being an Empathic Listener. The more I look, the more I think there is more than one way to define empathic listening. Here are some different takes on what it might mean to listen empathically.

• Stephen Covey said empathic listening is “listening with intent to understand,” which he states as Habit 5 in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” It is not merely listening until you understand; it is listening until the other person feels understood. Covey wrote that empathic listening means listening “not just with your ears, but also with your eyes and your heart,” tuning into feelings, meanings, and even unspoken messages. He also distinguished empathic listening from “active” or “reflective” listening techniques that simply mimic or reflect words back, warning that when listening is used as a technique, it comes across as inauthentic and ineffective compared with truly listening to understand.
  
• Daniel Goleman, one of the main popularizers of emotional intelligence, would describe empathic listening as listening in a way that actively senses another person’s feelings and perspective, shows genuine interest in their concerns, and responds with care for their well‑being. He often frames it as understanding others’ viewpoints, sensing their emotions, and caring about them, which is a core competency of emotional intelligence. Empathic listening, in his frame, is listening that integrates the following: you grasp their point of view, tune into their emotions, and let that guide a caring, appropriate response.

Stephen Covey and Daniel Goleman have produced extensive writing and thought leadership on empathic listening. Here are two additional views on listening, not necessarily as a specific empathic listening definition:

• Werner Erhard distinguished an “already always listening,” saying our listening is never a neutral bowl; it is always pre‑loaded with judgments, stories, and the sense that we “already know.” When he became “authentic about his inauthenticity,” he saw that his default listening was “I already know,” which made him unable to truly hear others until he could see - and let go of - that stance.
  
• The Dalai Lama also does not refer to the technical label “empathic listening,” but in his teachings he describes it as listening with respect, compassion, and a genuine wish to understand the other person’s suffering and needs, not to argue or to defeat them. He repeatedly teaches that the key to solving human problems is dialogue grounded in respect for the other side and a sense that “my future also depends on them,” which implies listening carefully to their interests rather than just asserting your own.

Which brings us back to where we started:  Why don't I listen? Because it's hard and we are often not trained to listen!

The point I am making is that rarely am I listening anywhere near to my maximum capacity, nor am I predominantly listening as distinguished in the preceding paragraphs. But in the rare moments when I can put “me” aside, what I am able to create through more empathetic, deeper listening is often remarkable.

When I first wrote the list of 13 Virtues of Being a Professional Worth Hiring, I didn’t necessarily intend to make Empathic Listening number one; it sort of happened. Nevertheless, while all the virtues are equally important, I can’t help but think that if you can’t listen at a level deeper than your default, your ability to be effective in your relationships will be limited to the extent that you can expand your listening.