Rapport is overrated

Well, it’s not that it’s overrated; my assertion is that it is misunderstood.

In the dictionary, rapport is “a friendly, harmonious relationship characterized especially by agreement, mutual understanding, or empathy that makes communication possible or easy.”

However, in my experience, people operate as if rapport is synonymous with “chumminess and friendliness.” Let me give you an example.

One of my coaching clients and I had a great discussion this week revolving around a potential listing. He had recently sold a house, and in the process had gotten to know the sellers next door. The neighbors called him over for a listing appointment. He spent a lot of time touring the home, talking with them, and hearing about all the things they have done to the home. 

Then he said, “I didn’t get the listing, and we had such great rapport! I don’t get it!” 

Right! Rapport is NOT why people make decisions to hire a trusted advisor. As one of my favorite Jim Rohn quotes goes, “Don’t mistake courtesy for consent.”

Courtesy = rapport, chumminess, friendliness, being pleasing...

My assertion is that most agents are chasing the wrong thing. They hear, “people do business with people they know, like, and trust,” so they focus on the first two: know and like (rapport). Then they simply assume trust “happens” as a byproduct of the first two. You know what happens when you “ass-u-me”...

They hire you (most of the time) based on TRUSTWORTHINESS, which is a function of competence + who you are as a person. In The Trusted Advisor, they call the latter part “reliability and intimacy.” I call it “The 13 Virtues of Being a Trusted Advisor.” Virtues like: being an empathetic listener, being authentic, being patient, staying grounded, being objectively curious, etc.

They also don’t hire you because of your competence or service. It’s not that those things aren’t relevant or helpful. In some cases, it might be “the” thing that tilts the scales, but in most cases, that is not why people make the decision to hire you - or not. In fact, they assume that all agents they speak with are equally competent. How would they really know if you are competent or not? Sit with that for a moment - they don’t know, and they have no real way of knowing, because your competence happens in the background. All they know is what happens when you are in front of them. What happens in front of them is “The 13 Virtues of Being a Trusted Advisor” - what is the quality and character of the person they are speaking with?

Chris Voss said it best: “Ignore human nature at your own peril.” In his ‘Seven Essential Truths About Human Behavior,’ he says, “There is no such thing as an open mind.” People have biases and preferences. You can’t ignore that! Well, of course you can, it just isn’t recommended!

So...stop trying to build rapport; instead, be someone who is trustworthy.