"Noted"

My apologies for missing another post last week. September has put a crimp in my weekly posts, between Labor Day and the Jewish Holidays — and then, sadly, my mother-in-law died last Friday morning. Fortunately, I was able to cut my travel short to be at her bedside with my wife and other family.

Jan was an incredibly strong woman, and every Mother’s Day I would send her a card thanking her for raising an equally strong woman (my wife Christine). Jan was full of one-liners that my wife and I quip to each other.

The first one came right after I met Jan. Christine and I had been dating for only a few months, and Christine had just finalized her divorce. The three of us had gone out to breakfast, and when Christine was walking her mom to her car, Jan had four words: “Nice boy, too soon.”

About four years later, Christine and I finally got engaged. I received the following text from Jan:

My main reason for not wanting you two to marry was that your relationship looked perfect. You’re always kind to each other, go out of your way to help out. You sure have made Christine’s life easier. Feeding her after a long day or taking the dogs out—I have noticed. I didn’t want your messing with a perfect pairing.

I replied with:

Thank you, and don’t worry - I will continue to take GREAT care of her because she is an amazing, generous, loving woman and I love her.

Jan gave me a one-word reply: “Noted.”

Thinking about Jan’s passing reminded me of this passage:

“I’ve been a hospital chaplain now for 8 years and sat at hundreds of deathbeds. I want to tell you something I’ve witnessed. Most people, at the end, realize they have spent a lot of their life hiding. Sometimes by choice, or because they could not safely choose to be themselves.

At a deathbed, if my patient can communicate, they show they are dying two deaths: the one they’re dying and then the death of the life they really wanted to live. But in their dying they are also free. To tell me who they are. What they wanted. Who they had to hide. Finally free.

Once my patient as he was dying told me: ‘What was I so afraid of? All the people I was living for are dead now too.’

I know this is a morbid thought, harsh and very real.

I catch their dying dreams as they sail off into the unreturned. I am a last witness.”

- J.S. Park

I can’t speak for Jan on exactly what she was feeling in her final days, but just a few months ago I was driving her to our house for a meal. I asked her, “How would you rate your life, in terms of ease and fulfillment, on a scale of 1 to 10?”

She thought for a moment and replied, “8.”

I was stunned, for I was expecting a 5 or 6 because her life was full of hardship and struggle - at least from my view. 

On the other hand, she lived straight. No pretense. No wishing or hoping life and her circumstances were some other way than how they were. Even in the last few years, when her health was not good and she was dealing with many ailments and pain, people never knew; she never vocalized it. While she was tough, she was also incredibly kind and generous. She always gave, even on her small teacher salary, and then continued to give while living on her small pension. 

She was a great example of someone who lived true.

My point in sharing all this: when I look into life, and especially the Real Estate Industry, I see a lot of pretense. Referring back to the J.S. Park passage, I see a lot of people not “safely choosing to be themselves.”

The Industry does not pull for you to be yourself. It radiates fear, scarcity, ego, competition, conformity. 

Twice a month, I host group calls where we look at The 13 Virtues of Being a Professional Worth Hiring™ and how participants can be themselves and be...free. On the most recent group call, we looked at Virtue #4: Being Patient. 

“Patience is not a fixed personality trait; it is a moment-by-moment professional practice when frustration, uncertainty, delay, or self-interest show up.”

Real estate is nothing but frustration, uncertainty, delay, and self-interest! Speaking of self-interest, consider the following:

“The moment I need the client to make a decision so that I can feel better, I am no longer fully capable of helping them make the best decision.”

Try reading the previous sentence out loud.

My mother-in-law was a great example of putting others first. I'm not certain, but it does seem that putting others first is easier when we start by being straight with ourselves. As real estate professionals, we are mostly hired as fiduciaries and are therefore contractually obligated to put the client’s interests first. 

My question is, “Where do real estate professionals learn to do that?” I don’t remember seeing that in real estate school. I have also never seen a class on this topic (doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist; I just have never seen one).

How do you really put the client’s interests first? And where does that happen?

While, yes, one must be virtuous - hence The 13 Virtues - that alone does not account for where putting the client’s interests first happens.

I say it happens in conversations. And most real estate agents have little-to-no training in having effective conversations. By effective, I mean having conversations that create authentic, trusting relationships.

If you want to make a difference with your clients...

If you want your life to be an ‘8’ or more...

It all comes from taking a stand...not from hiding who you really are.