Being Objectively Curious

Virtue #3 - Being Objectively Curious

What is being objectively curious? 

I think it’s easier to start with what it isn’t: not putting your stuff on the client. When your client has to make a decision, can you get out of the way?

It’s not about what you think. It’s not about how you feel. It’s not about what you want.

What is best for the client?

To find out what’s best for my client, I have to be objective and curious about what’s happening for them.

Funny enough, my same client, Mary, had another situation come up this week.

She is representing one of her best clients on the sale of a multi-million dollar property (north of $5mm). The offer comes in well short of the asking price, and after some negotiating, the buyer and the buyer’s agent agree that the buyer’s agent will kick in $50k to help bridge the gap...and so should Mary. 

Mary is now worried. Will her seller ask her to chip in? If she chips in on this deal, what about future deals? This one decision could be worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. Not to mention her own self-worth by sticking to her standards, including the fee she charges.

Mary calls me for support in coming up with a strategy to address this situation. What I immediately focus on is the seller’s concerns. What does the seller want to do?

It turns out the seller had no expectation of Mary reducing her commission. What the seller wanted: shorten the inspection period and make $500k of earnest money go hard in 48 hours. 

If Mary had not gotten herself out of the way, and missed what was important to the client, she might have chipped in the $25k. Worse, it would have made no difference because the seller wouldn’t have gotten what he really wanted - which was not more money. The seller wanted certainty.

Being objectively curious is looking, listening, and clarifying what the other person wants / needs / has going on.

All the virtues are important, and they are interwoven. Being an empathic listener is about learning how to listen for what’s going on for the other person - for listening for what’s not being said. One way to do this is by removing our preferences, opinions, and, most importantly, our feelings. 

You might say these two virtues are really one - how can you be an empathic listener without being objectively curious? You can’t. 

Yet, there are other times in your client relationships where you need to remain neutral, objective, and curious - like when reading a text or email, or listening to a voicemail. As you begin to formulate a response, wouldn’t it be helpful to come from a neutral space? Whatever emotion, attachment, or opinion you have is probably not important to getting a resolution or agreement on next steps. 

You’re immediate response to what I just said: “But that’s so hard!”

Yes, I know that. Few people detach themselves from their feelings and emotions because it’s hard. You have to be present. You have to be committed to operating differently from your normal way of operating. 

Consider that we mostly operate on autopilot. We have thoughts and feelings - well, really, they have us. When my wife parks in the garage in a way so I can’t walk through - for the 133rd time - I don’t have to think to hard about what’s coming next. What is absolutely right there is frustration: “If she can’t park the f@!*&$ car so I can walk by then she doesn’t get to park in the garage!!!” 

I am immediately upset. When I walk through the door 10 seconds later, what is very normal for me to say is “Why can’t you park the car like a *&%^*%& normal person!!!???” I don’t actually say that. I mean, I don’t actually say that anymore.

Think about the client who calls you and says, “Why can’t we just try it for 3 months at the higher price?” When I get that call, my natural response is to let out a big sigh and roll my eyes. It takes a tremendous amount of awareness and presence to push that all aside and come from a neutral, curious space.

The longer you are in a relationship or transaction, the harder it might be. Bob, another client of mine, was representing a family friend and that friend’s parents, who are elderly and moving into assisted living. The daughter is coordinating the many pieces to make this happen. The buyer and the buyer’s agent are...a pain in the ass—particularly the buyer. At every point, he pushes and complains and asks for more. Needless to say, after 4+ weeks of this, the only thing Bob wants to do is get the transaction closed. 

The week before closing, the buyer’s agent calls and says, “The buyer would like to close Friday instead of Monday - he really needs to get in before the weekend to get settled.”

It’s one more ask. Bob responds with “that won’t work.” The buyer’s agent asks, “Why? What’s so hard with the seller getting their stuff out on Wednesday or Thursday so the buyer can move in on Friday?”

I am frustrated as I retell this story. Like, how do you stay objectively curious when frustration is the “natural” state we go to?

Bob was totally fed up with this buyer. But if Bob can stay objectively curious, he can use labels and questions like:

• It seems like moving in early has become a top priority for him.
• It seems like the buyer has some unusual circumstances that have made this change important.
• It seems like something has changed since we originally went under contract that would require a new closing date.
• If this has become so critically important to the buyer, then what would the buyer be willing to do to help make this happen?

What happened in this situation? Bob told the buyer’s agent, “F%&# off.”

Nah, just kidding, but Bob was really upset! While it got worked out, it didn’t get worked out well. Bob’s frustration and emotions were driving the conversation. There was no being objectively curious. There was only mass irritation. 

Being objectively curious sounds easy, especially when there is no history or past relationship with the person we are talking to. However, often this is not the case. In your relationships, what would be possible if you could get yourself out of the way? What would be your experience if you came from being objectively curious? 

My assertion is that being objectively curious uplevels our communication and effectiveness. We create a better experience and less friction in our relationships. 

“If you cannot be free, be as free as you can.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson