Being Grounded

When shit goes sideways, what do you do?

It’s easy to be curious, patient, and empathetic when things are working. What happens when things are not working? What happens when the client changes their mind? What happens when that big deal falls apart?

Conversely, what do you do when things get tense? When the client or parties on the other side get their emotions charged? Or they simply seem to be acting irrationally? They say one thing but do another. That’s frustrating! What do you do?

Being grounded is being able to be “mentally and emotionally stable” - no matter what. It’s about being “admirably sensible, realistic, and unpretentious.”

I could have said “be calm,” but that’s so cliche. Plus, it doesn’t really capture the essence of what I am talking about.

In March of 2018, I was at a training with my mentor, Steve Shull, and Chris Voss. This was a two-day training event attended by a couple of hundred real estate agents, during which were learning how to apply the principles of Never Split the Difference to real estate. Now, I don’t usually raise my hand - ever, for any reason. But there I was in the middle of the first day, raising my hand. I take the mic and share my thoughts on the negotiating example being discussed.

Chris looks at me and says, “Are you trying to kill your deal?”

I was puzzled - and humiliated. Besides the fact that’s why I never raise my hand, I got that as good as I thought I was in my real estate practice, I still had a ways to go.

What happened in the interaction was that I was trying to make the other party wrong because I was frustrated with their behavior/response. I also wanted to win. I wanted to look good and smart. I was not grounded. First, I was cocky, then I was pissed off, then I was embarrassed.

The benefit of being grounded when we are with our clients and peers: we can be present. We can be effective.

What takes us out: us! It can often be some fear of something - fear of looking bad, fear of losing (or the need to always win/be right), or avoiding being dominated.

Where I was weakest in my real estate practice: working with other agents. When I thought the other agent was an idiot or an asshole - or both - I got caught up in trying to get my way. Not good. I could often stay grounded with my clients, but with other agents, I could easily get tripped up. So in that role play with Chris Voss, I had raised my hand because the previous agent, I thought, was being an idiot. I was going to get up there and show everybody how smart I was. What a dumb move...

...and, that situation was a double-lesson - not only did I have to see that I was an asshole in the role play, I had to not let the “embarrassment” take me out the rest of the day.

When I think of being grounded, I think of deep-rooted trees like oak, hickory, and walnut - trees that have deep and wide root systems. They are anchored firmly, making them resistant to wind and storms. We face wind and storms every day in our business. Deals that threaten to fall apart. Clients who have emotional and financial issues. There’s also the related parties to our deals that have emotional issues!

If we were salespeople in a corporate setting, we likely would have quota pressure, end-of-quarter pressure, or other pressures that might come from being a public company. And so do our clients! Every day in our business, we have conversations that could so quickly unseat us. It’s not just in our business; if something happens at home, with our family or friends, we are likely to be off-kilter, unprepared for what we might face that day in our business.

Conversely, there are the storms that come once a century, or once a decade. When you have ungrounded, unstable, and easily toppled trees, it’s a function of species’ that grow fast with weak, surface, and shallow roots. When the weather is calm, they do great. But when the big storm comes through...

In real estate, 2012 through 2022, the weather couldn’t have been better. That decade was an up-market for everyone! Many agents made a lot of money and thought, “Hey, I’m successful!” Maybe. Like a silver maple, which is admired for its fast-growing beauty, both in its foliage and form, they are easily damaged in storms. The real estate Nor’easter has arrived and is probably going to hang around for a while. Many big, beautiful, formerly high-producing silver maples (aka real estate agents) are being toppled.

Being grounded is an opportunity to persevere in our day-to-day moments and in responding to the overall circumstances of our lives and business.

There is one story about being grounded that has stuck with me ever since I heard it in 2018. Cal Fussman was hosting an episode of The Tim Ferriss Show (episode #259), and Cal was interviewing Larry King. Larry shared a story about Swami Satchidananda, an Indian yoga guru and spiritual and religious teacher.

Larry says to Cal about a situation a conversation that Larry had with Swami, in which Swami presented the following situation. ‘You come home, walk up into your bedroom, and your wife is in bed with another guy.’ Swami then says, ‘What would you do?’ Larry said, ‘I would scream and yell, and that’s what everyone would do. Scream and yell.’

But Swami countered with what he would have said if he were in that situation: ‘Okay, this is very embarrassing, you two. I’m going to go down and make some tea. Why don’t the both of you come down to breakfast then. Let’s talk about this.’”

Seriously, who would react this way? This story is so emotionally charged. For most human beings, the response of ’being upset’ is automatic, like me in the role-play with Chris Voss.

“Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” - Mike Tyson

When you have a practice of being grounded, when you get punched in the mouth, you are less likely to get knocked out.