Being Authentic

You may know that I am in the middle of writing my second book, Being A Professional Worth Hiring: The 13 Virtues That Distinguish You As A Trusted Advisor.  Today, and possibly for the next several weeks, I am sharing the 1st draft of each virtue.  Consider it a preview of the book.

Some of you may be frustrated by this because, well, these will be first drafts.  I will be exploring my thoughts on each virtue with you, and they won't be fully vetted or fleshed out.  Some of the examples might be much different than what makes it into the final book.  

On the other hand, I think you will find value in each week's topic.  Some of you may even want to provide feedback or be included in previews of the whole book.  As always, I welcome your comments and feedback.  Thank you in advance for some grace in allowing me to share my early versions of what I believe is going to be a transformational body of work when it comes to how we operate in business relationships.

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Virtue #2 - Being Authentic

What the heck does it mean to “be authentic”?  People have so many different definitions of this term.  As social media became mainstream, there seemed to be some aspect of people to be “authentic” and “tell their truth.”  You may have some other definitions 

That is not what I mean by being authentic.  The dictionary defines authentic as being true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character.  

I like that definition.  I didn’t think about that definition when I came up with these virtues.  I came up with, “Being someone who is real, not someone acting out a part or a role.  If you are being authentic, you are likable and easy to be around.” 

Being Likable 

By the way, being liked is not the same as being likable.  Being liked is doing things so that people affirm that they like you.  Being likable does not require another person’s agreement.  Being likable is about being pleasant, agreeable. 

People who are not likable typically exhibit traits like: 

•  Blaming 
•  Complaining 
•  Whining 
•  Yelling 
•  Intolerant 
•  Intolerable 
•  Self-absorbed 
•  Narcissistic 
•  Having to be right all the time 
•  Having to talk all the time 

Of course, there are also things like showering regularly, using deodorant, and brushing your teeth.  Yes, these are silly things.  In the end, they don’t really make a difference.  But…if one is being agreeable, might that mean that we are creating an environment that works?  Doesn’t that environment make it easy for people to be around you and engage?  

The point is not to get people to shower and brush their teeth, nor have them give up eating Caesar salad and tuna with onions right before their next client meeting.  What we are talking about is in the background – who are you and what is your intention when you show up in life? 

If you don’t like to be well-groomed and that is part of your essence, then yes, being ‘un-groomed’ is true to your personality and character.  On the other hand, does maintaining your personality trump your maybe unspoken need and desire to be someone who is agreeable and pleasant to be around? 

Being Agreeable 

At this point, people may be hung up on “agreeable” – as in you can only be around people who ‘agree’ with you.  I have plenty of friends that I don’t agree with on politics, politicians, religions, dietary habits, exercise habits, parenting choices, etc.  Being agreeable is not about agreeing.  Being agreeable is about being in harmony with what’s around us.  Not getting hung up on what doesn’t fit my preferences or the way I like to do things.  It’s about finding ways to make things work with people – and life. 

Being authentic is about being agreeable?  Maybe. 

Being authentic is about being our true self, without forcing anyone else to conform to our views.  We don’t change our views or behaviors to win someone over.  And if maybe you and I don’t quite see eye-to-eye on a particular issue, we don’t spend our energy trying to convince the other of our view.  We don’t focus on where we differ.  We could look to see what we have in common.  Or we could get curious about why someone feels the way they do. 

Growing up in Southern California, my middle and high school classmates were mostly not white and Jewish.  Most of my friends were Latin, Filipino, Korean, Japanese, and Vietnamese.  My friends and I all dealt with the same stuff that teenage kids deal with. 

In my late 20’s, I began doing a lot of personal development work, and I had the good fortune of being trained by many incredible leaders. One of them was Candace, and among all the things I learned from her, one thing stands out: we can relate to anyone.  We are all human, and we can always find a way to be related.  Or not.  It’s always our choice. 

When I look back to my teenage years, this made sense.  During lunchtime there was a wide array of foods, including many things I had never seen or heard of.  We were all eating what was comfortable and natural based on our families, traditions, etc.  But we were all eating food.  We were taking a break from classes, screwing around, teasing, chasing, playing.  We were the same.  Yet we were all different.  

We can still be ourselves and be with people who are different.  We are honoring our true spirit and character and allowing others to do the same. 

Not Being Real 

Have you ever felt that maybe you don’t fit the part of your profession?  Like, is there some way to dress and act that is “required” to be successful? 

Some physicians have explained to me that it’s not unusual to find many orthopedic surgical reps who are former athletes.  Their job is to cozy up to the orthopedic surgeons, talk sports, and sell more product.  There is an “image” or “role” of being an ortho rep.  But what if you are one of the many ortho reps who is not a male former athlete? Would there be pressure to conform, and maybe play a part that isn’t natural? 

It’s certainly been my experience, especially in big city real estate markets, that there is a “role” to play, or image to uphold – especially when selling luxury real estate.  Additionally, when I was a management consultant at a big, prestigious firm, there was also a certain image to uphold.  I’m not even saying that those things are bad. 

On the other hand, if we are going to be a professional worth hiring, might we have to confront: 

•  When we are doing something, or behaving in a certain way, just so we can make a sale? 
•  If a client/customer saw us out of the workplace, would they be surprised? Would we have to hide?  Would there be something we need to cover up so they don’t see? 
•  Do we pretend? Do we say we like something we don’t?  Do we pretend to be interested in something we couldn't care less about? (like the example of sports) 
•  Would we act “that way” if no one was looking?  
•  And in the worst cases: When we are being two-faced, double-dealing, or duplicitous? 

Are we ever tempted to be or do things that aren’t true to who we are, but disguised in the vein of making a sale, or getting what we want?  When we haven’t made a sale, or done a deal, or obtained a new client in a while, are we tempted to “bend” who we are?  Or is there pressure in our work environment to be someone we are not? 

In the long run, being authentic is Virtue #2 in regard to being trustworthy; in being someone worth hiring and doing business with.